Anniversary Grief: Navigating Loss and Finding Remembrance
Grief is never easy, but there’s something uniquely painful about anniversary grief when there are circumstances surrounding the death that make it hard to accept. The calendar moves forward, but certain dates hold time still, making loss feel as raw as the day it happened. For me, that day is St. Patrick’s Day, the day my mother passed away four years ago.
I understand that death is a part of life—an inevitable truth we all must face. But what makes my mother’s passing difficult is the timing. It was during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic in 2021. She was in the hospital for two weeks, completely alone. My sisters and I, her four daughters, were unable to visit her. I only saw her twice: once before she was moved to the ICU, and again when we had to make the heartbreaking decision to remove her from the breathing machine and let her go.
I still get caught up in this. The weight of “what if” and “should have” is heavy. I should have stayed with her until they put her on the ventilator. I should have insisted. Grief is complex, tangled with regret, self-blame, and an anger that simmers beneath the surface.
The anger is not just at the loss but at the circumstances surrounding it. The lockdown rules were unwavering—800 people could shop at Costco each day, yet I couldn’t sit with my mother in her final days. It was unfair, cruel even. But grief is not just about anger; it’s also about working through it. Anger is stored in the body, and it must be felt to be released. Only then can acceptance begin to take hold.
Through the years, I’ve learned that grief doesn’t disappear—it transforms. I try to move beyond the anger and instead, embrace the joy my mother brought into my life. Rather than focusing on grieving her, I shift towards remembering her. I remind myself that we all did the best we could, even the hospital staff, even my mom.
One of the most powerful ways to transform grief and anger is by celebrating the person and the relationship we had with them. Finding ways to honor their life—through stories, traditions, or acts of kindness in their name—can shift the focus from loss to gratitude. We can choose to carry forward the love they gave us, rather than only the pain of their absence. Whether it’s cooking their favorite meal, playing their favorite song, or simply reflecting on the joy they brought, these acts of remembrance help keep their spirit alive in a meaningful way.
Grief will always exist in some form, but so does love, memory, and gratitude. Death is a part of life, and I am okay with that. And so, on this anniversary of loss, I choose to honor her not just with tears, but with remembrance, love, and the joy she left behind.
Please be mindful that loss can be full of mixed emotions. When the death of a loved one involves a complicated or painful relationship—such as estrangement or abuse—the grieving process can be even more layered. That is a different matter entirely, one that deserves its own discussion, which I will address in another blog.